It’s part of my story. The part that took me many months and years to face.

It was May 2010 when I first heard the words Lewy Body Dementia. I didn’t know it then but it was the beginning of the change. The change that has been present during every minute since. There is really no way to prepare for something like your favorite person being diagnosed with a disease that has basically no treatments, a disease that you know from reading Dr. Google is going to strip them of not only every memory they have but is going to strip them of the use of their body as well and it’s going to attack slowly yet relentlessly. You hear about it from other people and you feel sadness on their behalf but you don’t know what it really is until it becomes a part of your  story.

I went through the five stages of grief in the first year, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and I’ve gone through each five time since. It’s hamster on a wheel, repeat until infinity kind of stuff. And it sucks. It does.

But, during each turn of the wheel, at each ending of each stage, I have learned something. The first round through the anger stage was the worst. It came very close to ruining my marriage and has had life-long consequences for my relationships with some of my family. The only emotion I had in me was rage. My brain begged my heart sometimes…please just feel sadness or joy or anything really other than rage. But mostly I just lashed out and I felt completely justified doing it. She doesn’t know what I’m going through. He has never felt this way before. I am the only person in the history of the world to have dealt such an unfair hand.

One day I woke up and just decided I wasn’t going to do it anymore. It wasn’t counseling or anti-depressants or oils or the support of my husband. One day I just decided that I was in charge of how my part of the story ended. I realized that I still had time to write the ending. I couldn’t control the disease that was working day and night to eat my dad’s brain from the inside but I could control how I dealt with it. I realized I had control of me.

It was a defining moment. The day the change came. I still have days when I’m angry or sad or in complete denial that this is my life but it lasts days now instead of years.

The hardest watching someone you love forget they love you.

-magpie morning