I saw Trampled by Turtles perform last night and I found myself standing in the middle of a crowd of thousands and thousands of people with a tear stained face. The feelings that I’ve pushed under for so long now were literally exploding all over the place. I was a mess. The day I have been dreading for six years is here. It’s tomorrow. I can’t run from it and I can’t pretend it’s not happening and quite honestly, I have no idea how to act.

Can I laugh? Can I cry? Can I rage?

There isn’t a script. That’s the problem with life, isn’t it? There really isn’t a right way.

There isn’t a manual for checking your 68 year old father into a Memory Care facility for what’s left of his life and then getting in your car and driving away. Can I really just get in my car and go back to my kids and my family and my responsibilities and just leave him there? I have a conference call scheduled for the time I should be driving there? Is it weird to take the call and then check him in?

Life goes on, they say. But, does it, really?

How often is often enough to go to hug him and tell him that he was the best father that I could have ever even dreamed of having? Will he know I love him with all of my heart? Does he understand? God, I wish he could talk to me.

Is it OK for my kids to see me cry? Is it OK to miss their baseball games and their hockey practices because I am just one human being and I can’t physically be in two places at once? What is enough? Am I enough?

I read the books and I see the shrink and I tell myself it’s enough. I wear the word on a necklace around my neck. I cling to ENOUGH with every single fiber of my being but the truth is that I don’t feel like it’s enough. I feel like all I find when I’m looking is more and more questions.

Will peace ever come?

Is it OK to talk about it?

I know in my very being that I’m not ashamed of the fact that we really cannot care for him the way he deserves to be cared for. The logical half of my brain knows that he’s one fall away from crippling himself or my mom. But can I say that?  Should I hide it and pretend it isn’t happening? Would that make it easier?

I wish there was a script. And I wish he wasn’t all alone.

Come into the world...alone.And you go out of the world...alone.But in between...it’s you and me.

trampled by turtles